Our innate humanness
It's not unusual for many meditators and folks on spiritual quests to start having moments of questioning why they are still experiencing "negative" human emotions, why they are still sometimes at the mercy of of their feelings. There's this idea that, if I'm spiritual, why am I still an asshole sometimes? I know for myself, I have moments where I think, surely I am beyond all this now? Surely I don't get angry/anxious/fearful anymore? David Hawkins sums it up well:
"There’s a common illusion that spiritually evolved, loving people never have any negativity, as though they are already angelic. They get annoyed that they still have negative feelings, and then it’s compounded by their guilt and self-frustration. They have to realise that feelings are transitory, whereas their intention to evolve remains constant. Let go of feeling guilty that you are still just an ordinary human despite your angelic ambitions! Having compassion towards your innate humanness, its nervous system, and the brain function that goes with it allows for greater equanimity. Heavenly ambitions do not necessarily make us angels!"
Many people, once they learn to meditate or have any kind of meaningful spiritual moment, usually find it very hard to then turn off that part of their lives. Their interest has been piqued, and they're now, to one degree or another, on a "spiritual path". That can look like many different things, but the common thread is that desire to understand the truth: of who we are, why we're here and what it all means. However, in amongst all the meditating, eating right, knowledge courses, sage smudging, yoga classes etc we somehow forget that we are still human beings capable of human responses. We forget that in this instance, consciousness is having a human experience - us! And with that comes all the usual human responses, feelings, qualms, trials and tribulations. This forgetting leads us to doubt our evolution or growth when it seems that we are still behaving the way we did before we started on this path of personal evolution. We start to fret over whether we will "get there" eventually. Get where?
A significant part of any spiritual journey is paying reverence to the fact that we are still innately human, incarnated in this lifetime to witness the world through a human experience. The purpose of life is to rediscover the true Self that you are, to peel back all the layers. Rather than it being a process of becoming that true Self, it's a lesson in remembering that you are already that true Self, it has just been shrouded from your perception due to layers of illusion - feelings, thoughts, stresses all of those things that we think surmount as our identity, are in fact just drag outfits masking the truth of who we are. The trick is to know that these are not things we necessarily need to get rid of, destroy or manipulate into submission. All we are really trying to do is cultivate awareness and understanding of them, so that we may have the capacity to take the next right step from a position of higher Self. It's only when these things are ruling the show without our conscious awareness that they do any damage.
If you can look dead on at the aspects of yourself that are causing pain and suffering, you begin a process that enables you to cultivate another mode of operation: the higher Self. Over time, as situations arise, we develop another lens through which to view the challenges of life. Suddenly, we have a choice in how we can respond. Does it mean we always make the right choice? Not always. But most importantly, we have the awareness and we have the choice. And while we might not make an evolutionary choice this time, there's always next time. And along the way we remember that we are unique, beautiful and valuable expressions of consciousness and that life is a process, not a destination.
David Hawkins, in his usual eloquent and hit-the-nail-on-the-head manner, offered the perfect little quote to finish this post:
"Live your life like a prayer."